Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
