He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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