fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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