I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
