Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
