Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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