I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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