i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
