definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
