Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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