no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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