Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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