He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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