So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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