i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
