Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Let's get the cat blown out
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
