Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
