I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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