i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
