Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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