I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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