Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
MIDGETS
????
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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