I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
