She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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