My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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