Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
