Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
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also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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