Who did Billy Mays play for?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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