your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
