my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
