but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
