I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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