seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
