Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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