I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
