Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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