Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
