checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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