The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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