it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize