just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
it's like heaven, but drunker
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
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the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
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My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?