I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.