I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
