____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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