This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
