Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
