My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
