You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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