no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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