Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
