I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
