Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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