I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
