i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
