You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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