So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
