Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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