a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
