apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's blow job season.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
